 Dirt Dummy
Super Administrator
Posts: 3016
Registered: 5-29-2002
XMB Points: 1065349
Theme: Metal (Default)
Member Is Offline
Mood: A reach around from Spike
|
|
posted on 12-25-2009 at 07:01 PM
|
|
|
Funny ass story!!!!
Some people send newsletters every Christmas to keep friends and family informed as to what happened during the year. Well this is my version but it
is only about one incident last summer.
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard and I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire neighborhood.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle
charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the
key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm cutting the grass in my back yard with my 6 hp mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't
remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger
is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my
balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my
brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as
though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap and pee at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do both at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in
less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just
crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big
block Ford turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go.
I grew up near a farm so I know all about electric fences... but my father always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were
like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp
Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if
it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'.
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from
its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 98 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he
left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground a while later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were
the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let
go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop and pee when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7 - My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
8 - I can turn on the TV in the family room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
|
|
|
Bigdumredneck
Super Redneck Administrator
Posts: 3028
Registered: 6-3-2002
Location: Bailey, Mississippi
XMB Points: 23976
Theme: MidMadn
Member Is Offline
Mood: Redneck Power Trip!!!
|
|
posted on 12-25-2009 at 07:45 PM
|
|
|
That was a good one!
My Kung Fu is STRONG !!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
 LeeRacing777
Putt Putter
Posts: 49
Registered: 5-19-2010
Location: East Sussex, U.K.
XMB Points: 4050
Theme: EK4
Member Is Offline
Mood: Mood for Bashing EK4s
|
|
posted on 6-21-2010 at 03:47 PM
|
|
|
Haha thats mental dude. I feel well confident about doing business with you now i have an insight into the kinda stuff you get up to! 
Only joking bro, its one helluva story though. Kinda makes you feel sorry for the cows that decide the grass in the next field looks tasty!
|
|
|
|
